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Go Forth and Set The World on Fire

There’s something to be said for religious mania. Sure it leads to all manner of terrible things–deaths and crusades and the occasional ill-advised pop/Christian cross-over album, but you have to admire all that bravado in the name of the lord. The sheer, what?, self-confidence required to think that the supreme creator of the universe (with its billions of stars and trillions of ants) takes an interest in which genital orifice I cozy up to. Honestly, I think the god that men worship would take a greater interest in the lives of ants and bees, and who wouldn’t? A god that could create the universe, with its intricate rules and perfect play between form and function, give and take, action and reaction, would surely favor the precision of ants over the haphazard activity of man, because we only ever do things in half-measures. You ever hear an ant or god say, “Eh, it’s good enough, who’s gonna notice”? Have you ever heard an ant say anything? No! Because they’re too busy building galaxies and hives and being meticulous.


At least ants have the good grace to be real cannibals, instead of just pretending every Sunday.

Jesus would have been a friend of the ants. Live for others instead of yourself. Now, who does that sound like? Ants. People can’t even be bothered to pick up their dog’s crap in the park down the street from my house. Is that what Jesus would have wanted?

The good news, if there is good news, is that if god would rather be lord of the ants (why else would he have made so many more of them than us?), we have pretty much carte blanche to do whatever we want. Now, before you get to killing and raping, let us not forget the golden rule: Eating the bones of your enemies will only get you so far. Yet another lesson I learned from ants, who are so saintly they don’t even have bones.

When I was younger, I liked to entertain the theory that hell was an empty room where you and all the bugs you ever squashed spent eternity together. The more bugs you killed, the worse time you’d have. But I’ve come to understand the great flaw in this theory–it isn’t fair to the bugs to have to spend eternity with their killer. It isn’t what their god, the god of the ants, would have wanted.

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